The answer to my Pet/Marriage Issues..
From: Dr Andrew Jones
Author: Veterinary Secrets Revealed
Website: http://www.theonlinevet.com
Re: The answer to my Pet/Marriage Issues..
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A cheery Friday to you all.
I am looking forward to some time today at the beach-
as I write this the sun is shining and the mosquitoes
are buzzing- the ocean is not only beautiful, but windy
and bug free 🙂
WOW.
Apparently many of you have strong opinions on the
pet/realtionship issue.
Thanks for all of your comments.
I recently wrote a newsletter commenting on how my
wife and I have different ideas on where the pets
should be living in our new house.
I am of the let them roam free opinion, while she is of
the give them only certain places to go opinion.
Here are a few in particular that stood out to me:
—————–
Comment 1
—————–
“Love me, love my dog! She married a vet, for Gods
sake. I realize there are different styles, everybody
has a right to theirs. But I won’t compromise on mine,
which is the pets have the run of the house. Love, to
me, always trumps things, The house is only a house,
and you can’t take it with you. Love, I think,
transcends all time and space, and what are pets,
but love in form. (even when they are naughty!)”
———————–
Comment 2
———————–
“I have a ideal. It works fine for here, I don’t know
how large your living room is,but you can get something
that Lewis would like to lay on(old chair or couch) and
put a cover over it and that would be his bed,he would
be close to you and still have his own place to lay.
You can take it off and wash it,good as new. Spray
some smell goodie stuff and call it good. Dog happy
women happy man happy lol Cleo maybe something smaller
if she like being close to you all.”
—————————
Comment 3
—————————
“Both Happy!! GET HER A CLEANING LADY for the big
stuff, then she don’t mind cleaning the rest!
Housework is not a rewarding job, every woman
hates it, BUT all women like a clean house so
with a little help you are both happy and she
won’t mind where the dog sleeps!!
Every woman dreams of having a cleaning lady so
why not make her happy? It is not THAT expensive
but it means a lot! Hope this helps?”
——————————————–
So WHAT am I going to do?
——————————————–
1. Have a good talk and re-inforce the fact that
she did marry a Vet- I have been ‘restrained’ and not taken home
every stray that becomes part of the clinic or shelter.
2. Get another couch for Lewis..he’d LOVE that idea!
3. Hire someone to clean as well..that is a GREAT suggestion 🙂
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
P.S. Have any of you ever had dogs or cats or any other animals
affect your relationships?
If so I would LOVE to hear about them on my blog.
When I was in the dating mode years ago, animals were
one of my BIG tests…If the person wasn’t an ‘animal’
person then they were out of contention.
Feel free to comment..and enjoy the unconditional love
from your pets.
It’s Your Pet…Heal Them At Home!
Best Wishes,
Dr Andrew Jones, DVM
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I, like you, depended on how men would react to all my cats. They are allowed ANYWHERE in the House. When I invited (my now husband) to dinner, I was a bit upset when Baby Bear junped on the dinner table to be loved. It didn’t bother him a bit! I knew I found a cat lover like me! Baby now joins him every morning, on the table, to get her petting before he goes to work. He had 3 cats and I had 4 so we’re talking a REAL blended family. We’ve lost three and adopted one so we only have five now but I’ve got my eye on a Tortie kitten! Now if he’d let me get a Golden?
All the men in my life were pet lovers – sine qua non criteria. I’ve chosen to live alone 10 years ago (even when I’m in a relationship) and since then I live in my cat’s apartment. “Dogs have owners, cats have staff.” (Lokiandari)
Rachel Toor in her book The Pig and I (Why It’s So Easy to Love an Animal and So Hard to Live with a Man) says something like (I don’t remember the exact wording):
“Loving the animals allows us to reveal the most tender and vulnerable aspects of ourselves. Their needs are relatively simples: food, fresh water, a comfortable place where to sleep, exercise and play, activities that keep their spirit alive, and love. In return they give us a pure, sincere, faithful and caring love.”
Her website (http://www.racheltoor.com/HappenMagazine.html) includes an interesting article:
“What pets can reveal about the people you date”
Excerpt: “I’ve dated lots of guys: men with pets and without, men who adored my pets and men who merely put up with them. And what I’ve learned through the years is that how an individual responds to animals tells you a lot about how he’ll relate to you in a romantic relationship. Want some proof? Here are a few common scenarios of how people interact with their furry friends – and what that indicates for their life.” (Your date’s a disciplinarian; pets chow down at the dinner table; your pet makes them jealous; they use their own pet as a proxy; their pet is overly accessorized; they don’t like animals.)
I have been with my husband for 16 years (married for 12) and always thought he did not like indoor animals. I am a cat lover and had one when we met. We have lived in China for 12 years and until we recently moved to Hong Kong did not own a pet. I recently purchased a beautiful American Curl female kitten and not only has she brought us much joy she has captured the heart of my husband. So much for being such a “tough guy”. We are planning on retiring on a catamaran sail boat and our beautiful cat will become a sailor. We both agree our lives were empty before she came to live with us. I’m sure your wife would agree that life without Lewis would not be the same. Pets love unconditionally!
I work in rescue and have MAYBE over-adopted since I now have 5 cats and 3 dogs (do 2 Chihuahuas REALLY count as two whole dogs though? lol).
Anyone who meets me knows within a very short period of time about my love for all animals and that I have more then a few pets of my own.
A non-animal lover is just not for me, I wouldn’t even consider allowing them in my life.
And after a few dating fiascos I am more cautious about who I let into my home and my life.
I have broken up with people who would get upset if my big dog begged for attention. I ended a relationship with a guy who I liked A LOT for stamping his foot at my half blind kitty who came over to say hi.
Someone who tells me they “just arent an animal person” is just not someone I can relate to and cant really see myself forming any bonds with. On a friendship or romantic level.
This one was certainly a sparkler for the 4th. I agree w/ most all of the comments. Get a housecleaner – good one. Find a nice spot for the dog. Cats cannot really be controlled, but you can trick them occasionally. Close off doors where you really do not want them going. They are part of the family. I don’t know why people who keep pets outside even have a pet. What is the point? ttfn
My husband’s family always had dogs outside, my family always had dogs inside. This was how we worked out the situation. My husband and I went to pick out another Labrador Retreiver (we had had 3 prior to this but our 1st lab died) as he liked the breed so well and we wanted to add to our family. I let him pick out the dog he wanted. His name is Chill, named by my husband.
I was the dog lover, trainer, and poop scooper, etc. My husband just loved this dog and it layed on his chest and around his neck for our 3.5 hour drive home. I did not hold him at all. I took Chill to classes and also made him a Canine Good Citizen so he, as my other dogs were very well behaved. Then came training my husband, which was the hardest job of all. I had used all one syllable words where possible and my husband had to learn them to make the dog mind – that was a chore!!! After my husand finally learned how to control the dog then came the uncondtional love that Chill has given my husband and because of that, it has changed our lives of living together. I bought my husband a placque made out of stone with Chill picture in it and it says, Properly Trained. A man can be Dog’s Best Friend. by Corey Ford. Now Chill and one of our other male labs take turns sleeping on the end of our bed that has a special dog blanket on it and if that blanket is not on the bed then the dogs know they cannot get on the bed. People cannot believe that we have five labs all living in our home. They can go anywhere but are not allow on the furniture except in my computer room where I have a single bed and two dog beds on the floor. They all rotate around on them. But I must add, I keep them brushed daily, I keep their nails trimmed, I feed them the best food I could find, they are bathed when necessary and their eyes and ears and mouth are kept clean. We have trained them to go potty in a potty area so you never have to watch where you step when in the yard. Also they have an occasional bath and get to swim in the lake when allowed and are blown dry with my dog grooming blower. But they do know what “no lake” means and honor that command and they also know what “shake off” means when they get out of the lake and that command they also honor. (Sometimes that can be real fun when you have a person standing close to them that doesn’t know how well behaved they are-LOL) So I think if you are the alpha of the family and make your dog(s) well trained, then train you wife to command them and take a roll in their lives, you will both have the same opinion of where they can go and where they cannot. We also have a cat that stays in our garage to control the rodents but the garage is heated in the winter and a/c in summer. He has the roam of the garage and a special bed made out of lambs wool and he is allowed on any of the chairs etc. But I must add due to a bad back I have a house cleaner once a week and my husband and I work together to keep the house and garage picked up and clean. Now I have seven pups in the garage with no complaints from my husband – we love to watch them!!! He is totally converted!!! I know I am to the extreme but I love animals so much I became a Certified Dog Obedience Trainer/Instructor. I did this because of my love for animals and it is from the love of my heart to see the bond that can be created from a well balanced home. Often I have worked for people for free (just to keep the dog from being put in the shelter) and also have worked on the dogs at the shelter (to get them well behaved so they are more adoptable) in my spare time. I have had animals of all types and trained them and have 41 years of experience. Good Luck Dr. Jones!!! God (dog spelled backwards) Bless you and your wife and I hope this works for you as it did for us!!!
How about getting a doggie bed and putting it in the living room for Lewis to lay on when the family is in there. Keeps him off the furniture and he has his own bed. My dogs love their beds and use them all the time. Although we do share our bed with one of the four dogs at night. My husband grew up without animals and I always had dogs and cats, so he had to make adjustments if he wanted to be a part of my life. We have been married now for over 20 years and have 4 dogs, 3 cats and 4 horses. He would prefer to have only 1 dog and no cats, but he has learned to compromise when it comes to animals and me. I would have more if I thought I could get away with it, but I figure I’m pushing my luck as it is with as many as I have. I am looking to add a miniature donkey to the family though!
My significant other and I got a dog from the Humane Society. A wonderful black lab. Then I found another dog and took him too. Charles was not happy about this but the dog stayed. Then my nephew who was living with us, brought home a stray puppy. Charles was REALLY not happy. I said I would take him to the Humane Society but I fell in love with him. So finally Charles told me he was moving out, that he signed on for the first dog and now there were two others. He did not want to live with 3 dogs. I could not believe he would leave because of a dog. My first inclination was ok so leave. In talking to my daughter she made me understand that I made the decision to keep the second dog and then the third without discussing it with him, that I was not considering his feelings at all. So she agreed to take the third dog, I pay the vet bills and buy the dog food, and he is still part of the family.
LOVE MY PETS or do not love me! 32 years ago I purchased a love seat that is brown and furry material. I have kept it covered and yes wore out several covers. The couch is like new!I vaccum it, sometimes put fabric sheets (used in laundry) under the cushions. My Aussie knew it was hers for 15years 6 months. Now my Aussie Border Collie mix knows it is hers. Yes it is in the living room and the dogs do not get on my couch.Oh yes my X said I loved the dogs more than him. Only he compared I did not. My pets all have unconditional love.
About how pets have affected relationships: I had a great dog, Opus, and a not as great boyfriend. The boyfriend used to think up crazy reasons why he didn’t like Opus, but I knew the real reason was that he knew if he ever insisted I choose between them he didn’t have a prayer. Opus was with me until cancer got her and is still part of my heart and mind 14 years after I had to let her go. The boyfriend was history as soon as I found out that he was eating at someone else’s doggie bowl, and is now only a story I tell girls about priorities. Opus wins – again!
My husband and I live with 3 large dogs and a cat. The only area in our house that is a dog-free zone is the living room (cat sneaks in regardless). We decided to have the living room pet hair free so we can have our guest(s) come in and sit down without getting covered in pet hair.
Our dogs seem to have no issues with that; the cat basically ignores our rules 🙂
The pets are otherwise allowed everywhere else, including our bedroom. They are, however, strongly encouraged to use their own giant Costco sleeping pillows which they love but at least one of them always sneaks into the bed during the night or in the morning… kids…
Both my husband and I are “pet people”. If one of us was not, we would not even started dating back then. I used to live in an appartment and have a couple of cats. This otherwise great guy I was dating told me he hates cats (he had 2 lab retrievers)… Well, that took him off my “buddy list” which turned out great becasue I met my husband shortly after 🙂
Our pets are like our kids – they need us to feed then, clean up their messes, care for them and love them. How can you have love with trying to keep them away from you? I say let them enjoy your company and closeness as much as you can. Cheers to all!
Good for you Dr. Jones. I am sure that once you reason with your wife, and offer her some houskeeping help she will see the reasoning to your position (how could any female not?!) I am assuming that she shares the same love towards the dogs as you, so making this assumption I am sure that the task at hand will not be as difficult as it may seem, here is hoping that you are pleasently suprised by her response, and you all can go back home to your new house able to share and roam the rooms as you see fit with a sense of harmony and peace for all. By the way, As one with three giant breeds and one large breed dog, the DYSON vacume is the best out there, far superior cleaning as compared to the price!
Hi Andrew; Yes, my husband & I have clashed on the animal issue more than a few times during our 20 years of marriage. He like animals, just isn’t as crazy about them as I am. I breed & sell “Pixie bob” cats as pets, and therefor, I have 2 unfixed males as my studs. In the winter time, it gets really cold here in WA. at nights, 20’s to low 40’s, and my husband & I always disagree on when its ok to bring my boys in out of the cold. I have two very large dog kennels that they go in when its too cold, they’re in my garage too. But because he smokes out there, he is always not too thrilled to allow them in out of the cold because of the spraying! See, the garage is heated as well, but their spay only gets in there kennel. So, this is an ongoing thing every year. As time goes by thru the winter, he gets used to it, I just make sure to keep it clen and stick free. I use “odorban”, its a great product that I use that kills germs & has a great sent to kill the spray smell. SO, I guess what I’m saying is, we animal lovers all have to do our part to help keep our partners, or whoever happy as well. We came to a happy medium by me making sure it was claened up & oder free most of the time, he didn’t mind them being inside as much, ( in their kennels). EVERYONE was happy! So, good luck with your issue, I know that means you too have to help make your wife happy by doing whatever needed to make her feel comfortable with the problem.
When I was single, a guy I was dating and I were at a friends home. Their cat was standing on the back of the sofa. He smacked it off. I smacked him. (not hard…in the same manner in which he hit the cat). He was PISSED OFF. I told him if he thought it was so bad, he should not have done that to the cat. He was more pissed off saying, “Animals DON”T BELONG on FURNITURE…I am not an animal, I’m a HUMAN…you’d better learn there’s a difference.”
I learned all right…and I chose the animals.
Enough said.
*****CATTINESS (Poem)********
Cattiness
They say that women are “catty”
But that word isn’t clear.
Does it mean there’s more to woment
Than what would first appear?
Does the word mean both are cuddly?
Or that they both excel
at giving and receiving love
without a parallel?
For neither wants to dominate,
Or any man to serve,
But women, like the cat, will give
Devotion when deserved!
Author: Kathleen Y Bergeron
—
Yes, I’m having lots of problems with my spouse because of pets. I used to have a short hair cat and everything was fine. The cat dies a few yrs ago, and a friend of my husband had rescued a kitten from mean kids. We agreed to adopt the cat, only problem is the cat is long haired and has caused my allergies to really flare up. Most medines don’t work for me so I spend my days sneezing and runny nose, but he doesn’t want the cat to be an outside cat. Then to make matters worse, I am almost completely deaf. I do hear some things, but if I’m not looking at you, I won’t understand a thing you say. I have tried several dogs, so that they can let me know when someone is in our yard, but for some reason my husband always finds something he hates about the dogs. All of them have come from rescue shelters and they all go back because as he says “we don’t get along”. I would like to get a hearing dog but all he complains about is the cost that it is going to cost for me to be trained with the dog. We are both on disability so the income is not great! It’s causing me to rethink the marriage.
Reading these comments brought a smile to my face. It also brought back memories. I was married for 10 years (this was awhile ago) and the main problem was my hubbys’ snoring. God awful. Like a sherman tank in a hay field.
I was on my own and fell in love with the breed bulldog. I got into it fully, and over the years of breeding and rescuing I had 5 bulldogs in my house. I would wake up at night and listen to all the snoring. Each one was different. (males are much louder than females) If I failed to hear a snore from all 5, I would get up and make sure all was well. The bulldog snoring is music to my ears. But I feel like such a hypocrite for giving my husband such grief on the matter. but I don’t feel this way for long. Just til the next set of snoring.
And the furniture situation was as follows. I set then all down and said the recliner is mine, as well as the tv, stereo and 1/3 of the bed. They could have all the rest. Agreement signed and sealed. The bed was the only problem. I’d wake up from a dream of where I was being smothered to find a bully half sprawled across me. And snoring.
I mentioned the 5 bulldogs, but at the height of my bully days there was also a large bassett hound that had broken it’s back and the owners didn’t want it back as it would fall down and drag itself around. Match made in heaven, he
loved the bullys also. And than there was the dog from hell. A cocker spaniel that had to have
had ADD. Never stayed still, wouldn’t let you hold it for a cuddle. My bird feeders were her stomping ground. Wanted to catch the birds. Managed to crawl along the furniture enough to get on my entertainment center where my cockatiels were. Almost gave them heart attacks. Besides feeding birds, I had feeders for squirrels. One greedy one was on the ground feeding and the DFH caught it and tortured it. I came home in time to interrupt her savagery and rescued the little guy. 2 days later he was up and off the forest.
I’m sorry this is so long, I get carried away when I start reminiscing.
I only have one thing to say.ILOVE my dog so much they are what makes me live.My husband passed away 2 years ago my dogs were my savior.I moved to Texas with my kids and I let them know my dogs go with me.1 collie and 9 chihuahuas.I met a man who has 2 beagels and a pom.We are all one big happy family now with 7 new chihuahuas a big back yard.I don’t know what I would do without my babies I love them soooooo very much.
I am single and I have a dog that I rescued 3 years ago who is the love of my life. There is no way I would ever be with a man that didn’t love pets or felt the same way I do about animals. My dog sleeps in my bed every night. I will never forget the disturbing news story in my town a few years ago about 2 roommates that lived together and had a falling out. When the one roommate came home he found his beautiful little dog in pain with a swollen eye. The roommate beat the dog to get back at the other roommate. I am very protective over my little boy and don’t trust anyone unless they are on the same page as I am and even at that you can never be sure. I would chose to stay single for the rest of my life than be with someone that didn’t love my dog.
My husband was not a dog lover when I married him, however after bringing two adorable fluffy toy poodles into our lives, and one is registered in his name, he truly loves these little darlings even to the point of bathing them for me before I dry and groom them! I am lucky because my story is positive and has made our relationship better. My husband bathes, feeds, and walks ours because he loves them.
My suggestion is to get your wife and children totally involved with your pet, feeding, bathing, grooming,walks, etc. because it worked for me.
I always went by the saying of most readers here “love me love my dog” Raising a preteen boy for 8 years by myself (with no child support) we managed to have 4 dogs, 2 barn cats, 5 horses,& 4 goats. So before any new man came into my life, along with my son having to accept them, so did the animals. If the animals didn’t like them I knew he was the wrong one. My fiance was accepted right from the first day by everyone in the house. He never complains about dog hair, won’t make the dogs move off the couches so he can sit, guess he’s a keeper. No dog belongs living outside,my barn cats are just as spoiled, they live in the feed room with a couch and beds and all the food they want plus all the attention they want from all of us. They don’t want to be in the house. I guess what I’m saying is for your marriage sake try to comprise but she did know you were a vet who just might bring home a stray or two or maybe more. Help her clean the hair that’ll help a whole lot. Oh yeh a spotless house is nice but doesn’t have a warm cozy feel to it.
One of my favourite cartoons of all time (I don’t even know who drew it)features a man and a woman on a couch. I assume it’s before or after a first date. The woman is sitting at one end; the man (her guest) is sitting at the other end of the couch with a bird on his head, another bird perched behind him on the back of the couch, a cat in his lap, a cat over his right shoulder, and a dog by his side. The caption reads: “I thought you lived alone.”
Granted, it can be quite a shock for those who haven’t factored pets into a potential relationship. Still, an animal lover is an animal lover and I wouldn’t even consider having coffee with someone who doesn’t love AND respect animals.
Hey Doc !
I’m just a little puzzled…??? You said that anybody who doesn’t get the cat and dog “thing”.. isn’t worth being with ! Also you said that when you were dating… animals were one of your BIG test and if that person turned out not to be an animal person… they were no longer in contention. Your wife apparantly does not meet your own “criteria”… thus the deliema ! If she were truly AN ANIMAL PERSON…you would not have to implement #1, #2 and or # 3… it would’ve never become an issue! TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL!
Sounds very familiar. I’ve been a Realtor in NC for almost 25 years. The car I take people to look at houses in has never had a dog or car in it. From pet allergies to cleaning time beweeen, this is our choice. Sometimes my customers bring their animals along so this becomes an issue then. However most times when I must take children, car seats, etc I would rather have pets. We have four dogs, two cats and foster animals. I recommend people take focus time and leave the pets and children with sitters or home. We’ve had as many as 11 at one time in our pack. However we solved this delima with having a second vehicle. At present it is a used SUV with crates. We slso shuttle other neighbors animals to the vet when needed, especially for the elderly and disabled. The second vehicle can be an old clunker as long as it is reliable enough not to leave you and your pets stranded. If possible walk the dogs locally or invest in a “dog mobile”. Everyone will live happily ever after.
I can understand your mother in laws feelings about her new car but it will wear off as a bit of time goes on. You could suggest a wire crate the dot could travel in as they are open enough for the dog to look around and be safe and confine the hair. I take my English bulldog to work with me each day and that is how she travels and she seems quite happy. They can even enjoy a chew stick while in the car/truck!!
Barb
P.S. I hope your in-laws get to read all these comments – maybe it will bring harmony and good sense back into their lives and make Mackie happy again!
I don’t understand your wife, she must love your pets or the would have been a problem before. We let our little Westie roam around house and garden,Daisy just wants to be with you, but we insist she sleeps in her bed or her Crate which she goes in if we’ve gone shopping and something scares her,good luck with getting your pet’s freedom to roam their house, they do have a right to share your space.
I’m on the pet’s side. Pets are a part of the family, like my children I wouldn’t expect them to spend most of their time in a boot room just because they loose hair. Do we keep our babies off of the couch because they drool or pee through a diaper?? Two legged or four, Family is family. As for pets and relationships. I’ve never had a pet that would cheat, abuse, or hurt me just because they can. Pets are the only ones who give unconditional love. If I had to choose….. my pet stays.
Give Lewis his own couch in the living room, he is a part of the family and it would hurt him and be mean to isolate him because he is a dog. He doesn’t know he is a dog, he is a memeber of the family and a big part since he is the family guard and he loves all of you.
You “pet lovers” and your “love me, love my pet” attitude is exactly what gets you into problems with what should be more important to you than an animal. We all understand you love animals, but please get a grip on reality. It’s still an animal. If you do something that infuriats your spouse or boyfriend, generally you realize this is a wedge of conflict between you two and will become a larger gap, causing multiple problems to your relationship. Is an animal that important to you that you are willing to lose a real relationship with a person you love? Pets give affection, not love. Only people can give love.
you asked if anyone had a pet cause relationship problems. well, i am in the middle of one. we have two cats. we recently had a baby that take up a lot of my time. my husband is at work 12-14 hours a day and he insists on keeping the pets. i simply dont have the time to take care of them. they are neglected all they long, one even had to be treated for depression. i know in this forum, i will come across as a monster, but i am just too tired to take care of a baby and two cats and a house. so yes we have a problem. my husband and i havent been the same since i asked him to find a loving home for the cats elsewhere. What do you think?
I have been with my wife for 6 years. She is an animal lover & I guess I am not. When we met she was in a relationship before where he was alergic to cats, so she had none. She had 1 horse that was boarded, 1 bird & 1 rabbit (passed away about 6 months after we were together). She got one cat after we met. There was no problem with that. Within the 1st year, she added 4 more. Since then, she has added 4 more for a total of 9 cats. We also added 3 dogs. Money has been very tight over the past year. Very tight. But in the past year we have added 4 guineau pigs, 12 guineau hens, and another horse! She recently wanted to add another dog & i said no. She was upset with me. Her theory has always been that 1 more dog (or cat) doesn’t cost much more than the ones that we already have. I disagree. When money is as tight as it has been the focus should be getting back on track, not creating more expenses. I am reaching out to see if I am being unreasonable…